It's 7:24pm, and I'm home, doing nothing on my birthday.  I'm 32.  I'm sad about that.  I'm pretty bummed about that.  I have a friend that I love dearly, and she's always telling me, "Shon, your 30s are a great time."  Constantly, she tells me this, and right now, I don't believe it.  I feel like I'm old.  I feel like I need to change some things about me.  The way I dress.  The way I wear my hair.  The way I interact with people.

I realized...well, I've realized for a while but today it really did hit me that because of my experiences (the bad ones), I've been living in this teen life, mindwise.  I'm 32, but I'm stuck in the mindset of a 16 year old girl who doesn't know how to interact with people, who is too shy, who wants but doesn't know how to express that want.

I need to find a way to double my mind age so I can start living as a grown a$$ woman.  I have a counselor, and she and I have been working for about two years on me...we've done good; I'm just realizing I have a lot more to do.

I'll get over being down today.  I have to.  I'll get over not having something beautiful and miraculous happen, just ONCE, on my birthday.  Maybe I need to make the miraculous happen myself and not wait for others to deem me worthy of something miraculous.

I'm sorry if it reads like I'm mumbling or not making sense--I do that from time to time.

Gone to TRY to write!